Help?

Okay, so I’m sure you might know about the mythology story I’m writing. This is from towards the beginning of the story, but I feel I should reword it. Any suggestions?

 

“Pluto.” A whisper spoke. “Pluto.”
I sat up from my bed. “Who’s there?” I whispered back.
“Come to me, Pluto.”
“Who are you?” I repeated.
“Come and see.”
My feet had found something automatic inside of them, because they began to move without my permission. I tried to stomp my feet, but the only thing I was allowed to do was flail my arms. I was walking towards the forest, where Jupiter had been found dead. I willed my feet to move, but they did not listen. I trampled into the woods, where I had found a lifeless, petrified tree that had been seemingly split apart by lightning. I began to cower, but I forbade myself from doing so because any cowering is a sign of weakness, and that is not the Roman way. I stood up, and said with as strong a voice as I could muster, “What do you want?”

“I only wish but to find an apprentice.” A dark, cloaked figure appeared. “If you agree, I will spare your life.”
“Who are you?” I repeated once more.
“Oh, right. You’re scared. Be not frightened, it is but Hades.” He laughed a rather dauntingly, and pulled the hood away from his face. He had my features, from what I could see. He had short brown hair, brown eyes, the same toned skin. It was almost like he was family. But it couldn’t have been.
“Hades,” I repeated, “I have not heard the name.”
“That is because you are not Greek. I am Hades, god of the Underworld.”
“God of the Underworld.” I muttered. “What do you want with me?”

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3 thoughts on “Help?

  1. Hm, I like it. Considering I like mythological fiction and have read quite a bit of it, I can say this is really good. Perhaps there is room to reword, but I think this is great as is! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey , I love this! I do have a few suggestions if you want some help:
    Watch your repetition of “I” in the beginning of each sentence. It might be a struggle when writing in 1st POV, but switch up your syntax so the “I”+action verb’ doesn’t become a repeated structure one sentence after another, to keep pace strengthened and readers interested 🙂 It wasn’t a serious issue at all, but I could see it beginning with some of the areas in this piece. (For example, the section from “My feet had found” to “I stood up..” had several sentences one after the other with “I” in the beginning).

    I LOVED the “that is not the Roman way” line, totally on point.

    I think this sentence: “My feet had found something automatic inside of them, because they began to move without my permission.” had a great start, but could be better worded. “My feet found something automatic in them” is worded a little awkwardly, and i understand the concept you were trying to relate to the readers, so try rewording that line so it reads better 🙂 For example, “My feet became automated, for they began to move without my permission.” Excess of words can definitely detract from an image, so try slicing down some of that wording so the words you do use have a punch to them 😉 But I totally like this idea you were going for.

    ‘It is but Hades,” threw me off a little bit, I thought you meant to say “It is I Hades,” but I realize that wasn’t a typo xD It’s not an issue to keep it, just made me confused for a second 😛

    Totally love this concept, it’s off to a wonderful start, and I agree with Leah. Just work on giving Pluto a distinctive voice in this narrative, work on those “I” repeats, and all I can say now is: moreee. 😛 Hope I helped in any way! This is so cool.

    Liked by 1 person

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